Stop Placing Blame. Blaming Yourself Is Better.

People growl intermittently about the current ‘blame culture’. And it’s true the word ‘accident’ is sometimes mistakenly used in place of ‘potential payout’. Don’t blame me! I’m just saying, is all. It used to be the case that plain bad luck or an ‘act of God’ was something you just had to live with. We rarely hear: “It was nobody’s fault…just bad luck.” “Well, Bad Luck better get himself a fine lawyer, because I’m suing!!” Of course, sometimes an organization or individual really was woefully, even fatally, negligent; in which case, just blame and compensation are right and proper. Terrible life-threatening mistakes are made sometimes. But on a more day-to-day level, I think it’s true that passing the buck is now a cultural pastime. This is a big problem if finding blame becomes more important than finding ways to put things right. But what’s so attractive about the international pastime of blaming others? Finding someone to blame (and then blaming them) may give us a substitute sensation for having solved a problem when we haven’t really understood cause and effect at all. Sure, anger and self-righteousness are exciting feelings, but we mustn’t become so hooked on excitement that we stop being able to see more subtle shades of cause and effect. And let’s not forget that blaming others is a neat little way of letting ourselves off the hook. We might say we want truth, but can we handle it? Take control of your life by blaming others less Some people get emotional satisfaction from talking about how awful other people are. But research has found that when you talk negatively to, say, a friend about how awful a colleague is, the listening friend is more likely to associate the negativity to you rather than to the person you’re describing (1). Researchers call this ‘spontaneous trait transference’. So it’s best to go easy on bad-mouthing others because it may backfire anyway. It takes a big person to accept outwardly and inwardly that they screwed up. I’m not saying we should never blame other people. Sometimes others are at fault and they need to know it and take responsibility. But being able to accept responsibility when that’s right means we actually become less helpless and passive. If everything is someone else’s fault, then what part do I play in my own life? Are my actions entirely without consequence? Am I that powerless? Or do all my actions only lead to good outcomes? Am I an entirely new type of human being? Knowing we can accept responsibility when things go wrong means we can also accept credit when things go well. We do, as individuals, have an effect on life; and that’s a good thing. But we need to develop the capacity to be objective enough about ourselves to avoid assuming we could never possibly have created problems ourselves. We also need to distinguish between accepting responsibility and punishing ourselves unduly. It seems we need to tread a path between overly internalizing (“Everything is always my fault!”) and overly externalizing (“Why do other people always screw up!”) when bad things happen. Doing too much of either make us off-balance and unhappy. Having the ‘everything and anything I do is self-justifiably wonderful and right!’ type of attitude is okay if you’re two, but I’m guessing you’re not. And the fact is, we all need feedback about ourselves. Otherwise, we don’t move forward. The pill can be bitter to swallow sometimes, but it can do us an awful lot of good. A jester is a person who is given to witticisms, jokes, and pranks(dictionary.com) and we all need one or to be one, Why? Blaming doesn’t have to mean ‘punishing’. If you are big enough to realize when you have made a mistake, you can admit it and then find ways, if possible, to make things better. That’s all it takes and all you can do. If other people use it as an excuse to turn on you, then that’s their issue. If you feel you have a tendency to blame others unfairly, then I salute you because you’ve already become your own Jester and everyone needs one. Most people will refuse to even countenance the idea that they may be prone to unfairly blaming others. So you’ve already taken a massive step. Look for the cause, not just any cause. If something doesn’t work out, it’s easy to get creative and find some reason why it’s someone else’s fault. Learn to relax with not actually knowing for a while why something worked out the way it did. Tolerate the temporary uncertainty of just not knowing until you get a wider perspective on things. Jumping to blame the first person isn’t an effective way of going about things. Wait for a bit by telling yourself: “Okay, this is the situation at the moment. Now, what’s the very best thing I can now do in these circumstances…?” Remember you can only grow by perceiving true feedback about yourself. Seeing objectively where you went wrong is how you improve and develop. We don’t progress as human beings just by ‘learning to love ourselves’ unconditionally. We need to develop the capacity to respond to the feedback life gives us about ourselves free of either the distorting effects of low self-esteem or conceit and arrogance. There is absolutely no shame in being able to admit to yourself or others that you made mistakes. Quite the opposite; it shows real strength of character. Very clever people make ‘stupid mistakes’ it is part of being human. The only genuine way not to make mistakes is not to be in the world. Get into the habit of admitting your mistakes sometimes. How do you react when things go wrong? Do you feel a sense of shock, a sense of “how can this happen to me?” Do you find yourself getting angry and worked up? Do you immediately start casting about in your mind to identify someone to blame for the problem? And working out a string of epithets to fling at them before you’ve even clearly established what exactly has happened? If you are used to just dishing out the blame and not accepting your part, remember the research that shows being able to apologize in relationships makes them much more likely to last and thrive (2). Don’t always be too quick to blame yourself, but just now and then admit to co-workers or your partner or friend that, yes, you too are human and you made a mistake. People will respect you for it. Forget blame and focus on where to go from here.Ever noticed how some people get more hung up on assigning blame than actually fixing a problem? If people feel you blame them unfairly, they will resent you. They may even come to hate you. People instinctively hate injustice. Get used to saying out loud: “Okay, it happened! For the time being, we need to focus on making things better!” You can give people feedback later, once you’ve calmed down and if it’s necessary. Remember how to motivate people. People can be shouted at, cursed at, and blamed, but still not know what it is they did wrong. If other people have made mistakes, they need to know: What may have led to those mistakes and How to do things better in future. Calling someone an idiot or telling them they “always do everything wrong!” is not feedback; it’s just abuse, no matter why you think you’re doing it. This kind of emotional incontinence may make people anxious, but they’ll never respect you because it displays your weaknesses so clearly. Life is full of people who take emotional shortcuts and blame other people unfairly or aggressively; for the sake of the human race, don’t be one of them. But I wouldn’t blame you if you were. If you ever learn to do these thing, not only will you become a better person in the eyes of all your peers, and people you encounter all throughout life, but also more importantly content with your self. In the beginning It's not easy to some time put the blame on your self, but in time it gets easier and you find the ability to become a better problem solver, and accomplisher. You also become better at helping others and that what it's all about. Let's make this place a better place. John G. Dunn II

Dalton, like many other bengals, hurt.

I’m sick of the preseason. The Cincinnati Bengals likely agree. Starting quarterback Andy Dalton suffered an apparent injury to his throwing arm after being sandwiched by a pair of Colts defenders on the opening drive of Thursday night’s preseason game. He got up after being struck by Colts linebacker Robert Mathis. Moving slowly, Dalton flexed his fingers. Later, he was sitting on the turf near the Bengals’ bench, with trainers attending to him. The announcers explained after a commercial break that trainers were checking Dalton’s elbow. He currently is one the sidelines, and he seems to be OK. ****from pft.com****

Kirkpatrick Have Setback

The Bengals were hoping to get their first look at first-round pick Dre Kirkpatrick in game conditions on Thursday, but his status has been cast in doubt thanks to the knee that’s caused him trouble all summer. Kirkpatrick missed practice Monday with soreness in the knee he injured while working out before the start of training camp. The team sent him to a doctor to check things out and should find out more about his status in the next couple of days. “He’s got a little bit of soreness,” coach Marvin Lewis said, via the Associated Press. “So they’re checking him out to see where he is. It wasn’t expected. We don’t know what it is. It’s just sore.” Kirkpatrick was only cleared to practice last week, so the soreness isn’t particularly troubling if there’s no structural damage in the knee. What’s more troubling is the timing of the setback since it could cost Kirkpatrick his only chance to get some game reps before things start to matter. For a cornerback who admitted to never backpedaling in high school and college, such reps would be very valuable if they came without the prospect of making a blunder that winds up costing his team a game. That might be impossible, though, and the Bengals might have to deal with Kirkpatrick learning on the fly as a rookie. Kirkpatrick, in my opinion will not take the field week 1, I had questions about this kid on draft day. This is just one more issue to put on top the questions about his IQ, discipline, and ability to learn. It's definitely cause for concern for Bengals fans, this was a kid that Nick Saban had to babysit throughout his college career, being the NFL there are no babysitters and I see this kid having a career such as his teammate Adam "Pacman" Jones. John G. Dunn II Edited by Josh Alper

The Unappreciated Legendary Like; Top Free Agent In The NBA

With the departure of Andrei Kirlenko this past season, it opened the door for Gordon Heyward to Amaze the Utah jazz fans, with the amout of minutes he was able to put in. It wasn't amazing because it was abnormally high for the NBA. It wasn't amazing because it was because he was a younger player. It was abnormal because it was a younger player playing a lot of minutes on the Jazz. Hayward, for all his faults, is amazing right now on the Jazz. Andrei Kirilenko is amazing, period. Andrei is, at the NBA level (this doesn't include all his international stats) on the precipice of joining a super elite club - a club of players who have at least 4000 rebounds, 2000 assists, 1000 steals, and 1000 blocks. There are only 14 players ALL-TIME who have done it. Andrei, if he returns and plays one season in the NBA, will be the 15th. The 4000/2000/1000/1000 Club: We look at points. We look at assists. We look at rebounds. And we look at championships. There's more to winning than just points, assists, and rebounds. It's easy to overlook the guys who help you win - but don't dominate the boxscore in the ways we're conditioned to read them. Though, the people in this club are all dominant players (or guys who played very long). Some of them are overt Hall of Famers, while others always helped their team win. This is a group of guys - some overrated, and some under - who you'd always want to have on your team. Over the course of their careers they also put up a lot of numbers. Some of the star players were great scorers who chipped in elsewhere; while some of the role players did a lot of different things. In fact, you clearly see this in this elite group of 14 players -- half of them are in the Hall of Fame, and half of them are exactly the type of guy you would find being a key rotation guy on a legit contender. Let's look at the numbers, and see where Andrei is. So as the free agency of 2012 really heat up, let's not forget about the best free agent that's available. There is no one player out there who carry a resume such as the one 'Drei can put on the table. In the game of basketball we admire the flash, big dunks, and big names, we're unappreciative to the guys who remain humble, quiet, stay dedicated and perform night in and night out, this is who Andrei Kirilenko is, an amazing basketball player whose numbers are right up there with Hall of Famers. who ever can land him, if he can be landed, Got the best man out there!

It was a little over a year ago, when I had finally got through to you. You was the career woman that I never though I have a chance with. You walked, making your way towards work. and my eyes was glued staring at you the whole way threw Everything I used to think during that time, how great you was, how nice it would be to be with you, it all became as false as a myth. With time, and effort I won your heart. I thought I struck gold, thinking it was a prayer answered. Maybe it was, but it put me back in a world that I remember being so dark. You took my heart and abused it in ways in which you'll never know. Force yourself in, force love upon it, and ignore the request and cry out to take things slow. I want to make it clear that I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes, putting up with her shit lead me to a state of misery. Grant it I know that don't justify anything, it don't make it right. But I needed relief, a break from a fight that occurred every night. I got bitched at for living my life. Wanting time to hang out with my brother, you complain and try to deny me that, as if you was my wife. Independent is something that been apart of me, but with you I was never allowed to be. You bitch'd complained, and took offense when I didn't want you under me. I guess these are the consequences, coming behind a guy who had tied you down in engagement for 9 years. I see how that can be damaging in itself. But it made you insecure, on edge, and faced a lot of fears. With you only thinking about negatives, I wasn't even allowed to be myself. That ultimately what lead to that misery, and you can't even start to imaging how that felt. You have did things in the last few months that has totally change what I though I knew. It opened up new question, like is it something wrong with you? You have proceed, and though for whatever reason, it was O.K. to bring your fuck buddy to my house, the place where I lay my head. Became best friends with the same girls who once wished me dead. The same girl who, when was together, bashed and insulted your name to anybody that would listen Is the same girl you cry out, and be missing. You always talk about the materialistic things you did for me, I always knew you was stable It just a shame that's all you had to bring to the table. I sometimes find myself wishing your fuck buddy become your man. There not many things I want more, than you off my hands. You praise him, his looks, personality, and how much of you he adore. I sit and wonder what the hell you waiting for. What you waiting for is me, even though I continue to tell you that we are no more. What's sad is, even if I wanted to be with you, after all at this point we can never be. The mistakes I made is clear. But I'll never regret getting of the hell in which our relationship cause Being older, You always though you knew it all. Which is a part the reason your not here I wonder if you knew, you would be our downfall! John G. Dunn II jgdunn.blogspot.com

Can You Really Be Whatever You Want To Be In America As We Know It Today? Or Has That Time Come And Gone??

One of the most famous sayings in the world is "you can be whatever it is you want to be". Who haven't heard this at least once in their life? I remember hearing it as a kid, and now I'm a father, gives you kind of an idea how long it's been around. It was probably something kids was told even before I was born, now that I'm an adult I can't help but to question how true this ole saying is. The problem isn't that the statement is inaccurate, it's just nobody tells you all the other things, and outside factors you have to depend on, in order to accomplish your dream of being whatever it is you want to be. It's not hard to see that as the world get older, the ability to live, and live comfortable get much tougher. I'm only 23, but I'm willing to bet that the importance of college was not of the level it is now, I'm sure you could get just about any job without a degree, maybe even without a diploma, I'm sure attending grade school wasn't required the way it is by law today. Take modern time, today getting higher education is more likely to lead you into bankruptcy court than it is to land you a career paying job. Cost of living continues to rise as minimum wage struggle to keep up, the debt of this country gets higher and higher it seem like daily. Some economic expert say we're in so much debt, that we can't possible pay it off for at least 3 generations, meaning our kids, grand kids, and great grand kids will be paying off the debt we're currently in. In order to to get a good paying job now days, it no longer about your skills, or credentials really, it all about who you know. That's a big part of the reason why it seems as if the rich get richer, and everybody else get poorer. The same kids who parents can afford college, usually because they have a high position for some company where they make a nice living. That kind of gets us back to what I said about having to depend on others, today your success is heavily factor by who you know, not exactly what you know. Don't get me wrong the more you know, the more skill you have the better but how many people can afford college, or even trade school? What about financial aid, you ask??? Well I never understood why financial aid was call financial aid. Aid means to give support, or help, is that really what financial aid corporations do for people? The way I see it, they give you money, in order to make a profit, I mean duh this is America, is anyone really out to help people. Aid is used to get young people in as much debt as possible, the people who run these financial aid company wish you don't land a job right out of college, and with the economy the way it is. It's very common for graduates to be jobless years after graduation. After graduation guess who come knocking, whomever you got loans from and you think they care if you can't find work? Absolutely not, they want you to stay unemployed as long as possible so that interest keep adding, and building up. The world changes so fast. My son is only 7 months today, but times fly and before you know it he'll be at that age where he has his own goal and dream of what he want to be. it's not that I don't want him to believe that he can't be anything in the world that he wants to be, because in a sense it's true and he can, however I will be sure to let him know that it will not be an easy road. I was never told that, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who wasn't advised of that. I know we grow up, and it something we suppose to kind of pick up with time, I understand, but can you imagine how different it possibly could've been if we knew what we was getting ourselves into before we got there. The world around us changes fast, so maybe our own parents didn't know any better. Nobody predict this recession, and if they did, nobody believed it. I just don't want my kid to do what i did, I had one dream as a little boy to be a fireman, back in them days, school wasn't a requirement, they wasn't laying guys off, and shutting down houses, the way I knew it, you just go to the firehouse and put an application in just as if you would in a fast food restaurant. If I knew then, what I know now, I'd did sooo many things differently to set myself up for sooner, and better success. I think it only fair that we as parents, give it to our kids straight, no sugar coating. It may not seem like the best parenting method at the time, but they can't do nothing but thank you later down the road, when that dream becomes a reality for them. So can you be anything in the world you want to be? Yes, confidently tell your children that, but also advise, warned, and tell them of the tough road and journey which awaits them in achieving their dreams, Most importantly set them up for success as best as you can, as early as you can, and be there every step of the way, going through all the trails and tribulations they face on the road to success. It won't be easy, but your experience and knowledge will be a valuable asset to them throughout this course. Finally, remember this world changes fast, keep up with it, adjust to the best of your abilities, and keep pushing not only for you but also your children. Remember America society is only set up to see you and your family to fail. John G. Dunn II jgdunn.blogspot.com

The End Of A Fire Hero

Very confused, don't know what to think or do. Many years ago, I was just a kid with a dream. Things change, as time flew the only thing remain constant was my dream, and the will to make it come true, grew. I eventually became a man and learned that things in the fire service, as kid, wasn't as they seemed. Who would have knew, as a kid, all the things this damn dream would put me through. A service in which holds a different truth. A service that manipulates and mislead are youth. They look at us as these super human, amazing heroes. Too young to realize that, that's only a half truth. Behind the badge, the title, some of us is nothing but another zero. Ever chance we get, we have to make it clear that we're better than you. A earned brotherhood is what they say I live it, surrounded by it every single day. The same brothers you love, that you would risk it all for Can be-little you, judge you so bad to the point you just want to runaway. I speak with an anger, bitter heart that I've continuously ignored. Biting my tongue, holding back everything my heart want to say. I stand here today working this pin in my hand. Facing the reality that I will probably have the opportunity to fight fire again. Is this the reason I'm coming out giving dirt on the service? I guess you can say so. I saw it more as an opportunity to get some old things off my chest, in the efforts of letting go. I look at it like, I been married to the fire service 18 years In that time I've faced a lot of fears, meet some of my greatest peers, but now I just shed a lot of tears. I fought with a broken heart that I couldn't mend, I gave it all my might. Today, not only do this dream end, I have officially lost this fight! I now possess a life that will forever be incomplete From this day, til the end I will suffer in my own defeat! John G. Dunn II jgdunn.blogspot.com