Actuality of Love and Marriage from Someone Who Never Been Married

The older I get the more I heard that grandiose question, will you ever marry and settle down? First and foremost, for me, we have to throw the 'settle down' out the window. Settling for anything just makes me automatically go into a mood, that this is something I SHOULDN'T do. Rather it be settle for this oppose to that, settle a case, settle for a girl,  settle for a situation, settle=FUCK NO! 

But anyways....

I remember when I was young, love and marriage were these nebulous concepts that would happen some time in my future. I would often wonder or daydream who I would marry, how I would meet her, how we would get engaged, what the wedding would be like, etc., etc. I think this is pretty normal for most young people.  

What I never fantasized about was what life would be like AFTER marriage. I never sat around and thought about how we would fight, how we would share toothpaste, who would take the kids to school, how we would negotiate and compromise, what our fifth anniversary would look like, not to mention our 50th. 

That's because these things aren't exciting or sexy. In fact, they're quite the opposite. They're quotidian and boring. Yet, they are actually what constitute the majority of a relationship, the majority of love. 

My fantasies about love — like most people's — were limited to pretty much the beginning of the life cycle of a relationship. They were filled of romantic visions of sleepless nights filled with wild passionate sex, fun getaways to exciting location, bathtubs full of rose petals and bubbles and shit. It was awesome. 

But looking back, I was unrealistic about relationships and love. And I think that really screwed me up in a number of ways (if anything, it made me more afraid of commitment, because I thought it was a much bigger deal than it actually was).

To The One Who Got Away

A intimate letter to Maggie (Revised from March 1, 2015)

I figure that conversation we was supposed to have, at this point, is never going to happen. Its perfectly fine, I now understand that there's nothing that needs to be said that can't be said over another outlet of communication, such as this one. I will say that I AM SORRY, I APOLOGIZE for not being the man you yearn for and not being the man you desire. I WAS NOT A GOOD BOYFRIEND, I DID NOT GIVE YOU MY BEST. I only realize that I didn't give you my best now, because all of the things I wish to give you now, as  I sit her today, now that it's to late. I'm not sure where that fire and desire, that burns in my soul now, where it has been the last two years. I apologize that I realize that now, that it is too late. What I am certain of is that, all things in life are lesson that god may have us learn. This entire situation was meant to teach me a lesson and its working perfectly. See I never ever thought I would ever love on this level again, I NEVER EVER though I would desire to be everything and more for one woman as much as I desire to be for you.I though I was incapable. I never ever though I would desire a woman the way I desire you, I never ever though I would plan my future with a woman included again. I NEVER EVER though I would desire to be everything and more for one woman as much as I desire to be for you. For me, all that hope and faith went out the door, when my high school sweetheart dump me on senior trip back some 8 years ago. All that I thought I was incapable of, by the grace of god I see I am very capable of again. Unfortunately it took this situation, and another shattered heart to realize it. My faith has been restored, I now know that God will grant me another chance, I don't know with whom or when, but I know he will, the same way he granted me the chance, again with you. I let you, his angel, slip away from me, and I'm kicking myself for it. I don't know if he'll ever put you back in my life, what I want you to know is that, YOU have taught me a lesson in life, that will change my life for the better, for the rest of my life. I have learned, through you, that I can and will love again, the way I always desired too, Because of you honey I will be a better boyfriend in the future, and an extraordinary husband as well, someday. I don't know what the future holds, however I want you to know that I am forever grateful to you for your time, for your being, for every moment shared, for the lesson in which i learned through this experience with you. You have help shape a good man into an even better man, may God bless you for that! Your are forever loved in my heart and soul, again THANK YOU!

Surrender

You too are going to die, and that’s because you too were fortunate enough to have lived. You may not feel this. But go stand on a cliff sometime, and maybe you will. Bukowski once wrote, “We’re all going to die, all of us. What a circus! That alone should make us love each other, but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by life’s trivialities; we are eaten up by nothing.”

the primary lesson was this: there is nothing to be afraid of. Ever. And reminding myself of my own death repeatedly over the years—whether it be through meditation, through reading philosophy, or through doing crazy shit like standing on a cliff; is the only thing that has helped me hold this realization front and center in my mind. This acceptance of my death, this understanding of my own fragility, has made everything easier—untangling my addictions, identifying and confronting my own entitlement, accepting responsibility for my own problems—suffering through my fears and uncertainties, accepting my failures and embracing rejections—it has all been made lighter by the thought of my own death. The more I peer into the darkness, the brighter life gets, the quieter the world becomes, and the less unconscious resistance I feel to, well, anything.

Move!

We're so afraid to fail, because of the labels that will be bestowed upon us, by the people in our lives who had those same labels bestowed upon them!

F**k people! F**k people and their opinions and how they feel! Yes that includes your mother, your father, siblings, friends anybody who pissed you didn't please them.  Your only a failure because you failed THEIR expectations. I get so tired of people coming to me with the addiction of making f**king excuses!

A year ago to the day! My dream, my career was taken away from me!!! Did I lay down and f**king die?! No! I may have cried for a day or two, but I got my a$$ up and got to it. Dusted myself off, threw the 🖕 up at everyone who was there to watch me die, and give up and I went work, picked up where I left off kept cashing CHECKS, plural.

Get up! Go out. Put yourself out there in the universe. That business you been talking about starting GO! That band you wanted to start, GO! That investment you wanted to make, take the chance! Go travel, go find you a few mentors, a few people who success you inspire to have and learn some $#!+.

All you 18, 19, 20 somethings, 30 somethings, You have time! You not even at the halfway point of your life. All that life is short, your getting old, time is precious bull$#!+ we been fed by social doctrine, 🖕that! Time is valuable however, and you have plenty of it, but don't waste it!  There's work to be done, to get the life you want, whatever you want, so Move! GO DO SOMETHING!

Don't Look Up, LISTEN UP! Earth Is Speeding This Thing Call Life Up Right Under Your Eyes

We've recently had our shortest day ever on earth. I know no one is paying attention, ya know to the important stuff.

It brought about a conversation about death. Death is one of my favorite topics to discuss when talking to mates'.

Why?

When you bring up a discussion about death, the conversation gets real. It forces people to really put life into prospective. Think about it, You can't really bullshit the conversation, you have to either come real or run away.

Like when you think about it we hold on to loved ones after they pass on, for nothing but our own selfish reasoning. We mourn cause we'll miss them so much, how they treated us, and what they did or provided for us. Gone too soon? because they didn't get the chance to fulfill the dream we had for their life, or didn't get to tap the potential we put on them.

One of my favorite answers to mourners is, Death is not the punishment, it's the reward! While it may not be very comforting its just truth. 

The Bloom of Human Beings

I know I'm always talking about time and the abundance of it that we have. It kind of throws people because one the most common sayings is, "tomorrow is not promise' or one of the lines that reside in the realm of 'precious time'.

I think we reside so much time in that realm for multiple reason; The biggest being we're so afraid of death. Another being perfectionism. We have been so condition to be perfect in everything we do, which ultimately sets us up for failure, but cause perfection only exist in the mind, we're perfect at nothing.

Rather it be professionally, socially, in relationship. We fuck up. We get it wrong way more times, in a life time, than we get it right. Let's acknowledge that and then normalize it

Something that's not expressed to people enough, especially young people is that in life you don't reach full bloom until your 40's and 50's. We have little blooms throughout our young lives and early adulthood that prepares us for our big bloom. This is life, it all about preparation. 

United States of The Apocalypse

I think it's rather clear that in this country we can't agree on anything! Tolerance.. TOLERANCE! All people are asking for is tolerance! Damn equality, at this point,  black people can't get it we got that but damn not even LGBTQ+ People either.

As June comes to an end this has been the most contentious pride month I could ever remember. Just do a quick search of pride month incidents '22 and you'll see so much homophobia that you're head would spend.

The land of the free is what they say, but really who has the freedom? Who got the balls to say it? Clearly the Courts. The white American men is who!

Growing up black in this country, your kind of molded to expect the worst. Growing into the man I am today, America hasn't disappointed either, every time I think this is the peak of pissoity(I know it's not a word) something else is done that tops said level. 

Of course this week the overturning of roe didn't disappoint.

Before I get into this topic I wanna get it out there that I'm pro-choice. I think the fact that I have to put that out there is ashamed in it of itself but I know how things can get misconstrued And how outrage people can get.

I'm also not here to make any friends. So there's your disclaimer to some unpopular opinions.

I also won't get into the underline reason why I believe the ruling was REALLY made, check the statistics on abortion, and who gets majority of them, and you might my drift. 

I think everyone needs to pay attention because this was a violation of Human rights, and although violating humans right have been going on forever when you talk about minorities, for some, this type of violation is new.

Americans is under attack. Let me repeat that, AMERICANS not America. This is just another example of the violation of our basic Human rights turned into our country's human wrongs. It used to be blacks, gays you know 'the others' that was just under attack in America. The big difference, and the reason why the ripple effect was much bigger this time in the overturning of roe, it's because this was officially a violation of all human rights, not just the others, and in America, that's when it matters. I'm just intrigued to see how White's handle being treated like minorities. but I think I know how that's going to go 🤔

https://youtu.be/kpOzJhv1zjI

https://youtu.be/kpOzJhv1zjI